Friday, January 2, 2009

this breaks my heart...

i have no idea the other side of the story, but this is enough.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

what i've learned this year

this year hasn't been as rough as others, but very changing nonetheless. i have definitely learned patience and to be grateful for everything i have in my life. so, here it is, the list of things i've learned this year:

1. patience.

children force patience. i have finally learned to accept it. patiently.

2. being comfortable how to cook and bake:

see # 4 regarding time; i spent two months baking or making a meal from scratch every day. this is the year that people started getting birthday cakes for their birthdays because really, what do people really want for their birthdays except cake, so i baked about 6 cakes from scratch since may and now have no fear in attempting any recipe now. i have even started my own cookbook/scrapbook and refer to it often. my new confidence has been a godsend these last few months when i only have a few items, 2 dollars and three mouths to feed. thank you fannie farmer.

3. even more love for my children:

it has been a tough year for finn. i remember from my own childhood how hard 3rd grade was, but for finn, it was tougher. he was diagnosed with a few things this summer and from this point on will have to take pharmaceuticals. i am happy and sad that we waited so long to give him drugs, but at the same point he has blossomed, no joke, blossomed since we started him in on meds. marc and i both had to come to terms with it, but i am very happy that we did. he is still the sweet, thoughtful and gentle child we have always had, but now he is brave in ways he never was before. his little head is not full of all of the worries he had before and now attempts all things physical he had been to scared to ever try, and for that i am grateful. i will forever be thankful to the folks who helped get us here.

on the other hand, it has been a tough year for us with declan. he is two and a half, and he is the two year old his brother never was. he bites, throws things, demands, and then turns around and is sweet as heaven. what are we going to do, i don't know.

4. change is good:

i left a low paying job for a better paying job and got laid off. stayed home broke for two months while marc worked his new job. he got laid off, then i started a new job. in the end, things are fine. i have hope and know marc will find a job that he likes, if his isn't rehired at his old place. and being laid off was a good thing for me because i never would have waited for this job if i didn't have the unemployment income coming in. life is really funny at times. finally i will have psuedo financial solidness i have never had before, and this is the easiest job i have ever held.

5. have fun at all times possible:

cleaning the kitchen and doing laundry isn't necessarily as fun as a 9 pm snowball fight with your kids in below freezing weather, but they both have to happen when the time is right. if i spend my life be miserable about the things that have to get done, when will i know when i am really and truly miserable? i don't want to be miserable at all really, ever.

6. clean laundry is not a necessity, but a clean kitchen is:

please see #2 and #5.

7. i have a most wonderful family:

this has been a good year. marc and i almost called it quits last year, but for a year now we have been going better than ever. he is so committed to spend a lifetime with me and i never understood that before. this christmas is the smallest one ever, but the most joyous. our life together the last year has been so incredibly wonderful and good. we have supported each other more, and communicated better than ever. he also is ever so less grumpy, which makes it all so much easier.

8. faith

two fridays ago marc got laid off. twenty minutes later i was told my background check had cleared and my badge was ready to start work at monday at 8 a.m. life is crazy sometimes. it was the scariest twenty minutes of my life. but it really leads me to believe that there is something larger than us little human beings in this world. jesus christ is still a major issue on why i can't believe in 'christianity' so i think i should make up my own religion... maybe i am spending to much time with the sci fi channel, i don't know.

9. aging

i am now getting older and realizing there are woman my age who are obsessing and think that 29 was there best year ever. i know to many fantastic wonderful woman to ever believe that 29 was the best, i think 45, 50 and 75 are going to be great years. i am glad my little grey hairs are starting to show, at least i still have hair. and for that, i am thankful

i know there is a 10th reason out there, but i just can't think of it right now. i am being called to play ball with a two and a half year old. if i don't go now, he is bound to throw the ball at my head regardless of whether or not i am going to catch it.

happy christmas to you all...

snow is fun?

Friday, November 21, 2008


Marc and I had the amazing chance to crash a party, and all we had to do is dress up like we were going to prom. Not that I really went to my senior prom for very long (sorry mom) but I had a lot of fun nonetheless. This time though, I really cut lose and had a great time. It could have helped that this prom had an open bar, crazy enough, both of us could have been the designated driver. We had a crazy good time, and my knees hurt from dancing all night the next few mornings.

It did make me feel nostalgic for the before baby years when we would go out nearly every weekday night after work and find a show and dance the night away. I wish we could still do that at least once a month now. Now we have to have those conversations about life uninterrupted on the phone while he is on his way home from work or in a hotel room many states away. I know that we are in the trenches again with baby number 2, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We recently found a great teenager we trust completely with our kids, so I foresee a few nights in the future out acting like wild kids again, which gives me a huge sigh of relief.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


love is one of the most amazing things in the world.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

goals for the day

1. laundry (check, well, two loads, that is good enough)

2. dishes (check)

3. have smallest child have very public temper tantrum on public transportation. (check)

4. fill out paperwork for govt job that i might get- OMG there is so much frickin paper work here people. can i just give you my firstborn? that would be so much easier. are these people crazy? but, looking at the health care, it is soooo worth it. i can cover the whole family and pay less than i have ever paid. i hope this works out.

what a crazy day. i need the headache to go away.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

digging through it

i am unemployed. i have been for almost a month and i am to collect my first check tomorrow.

so far unemployment has been a lonely, lonely life. marc was gone for the first three weeks, home on the weekend, trying to get it together, and then he would fly off for the next place. i don't mind it when he is gone. the kids and i get into a groove, but now that i am unemployed i do get more lonely than i ever thought possible. some days, if someone picks or drops off mr. f from school, i don't even leave the house. i have become the person you don't want to run into on the street, dying for a chat.

i have also found i am a terrible housekeeper, although mostly it is better than usual. i am trying to pick a corner, sort, purge, etc. but that is not enough. i worry constantly, and some days all i do is cry.

i have my third interview tomorrow, waiting to here back on the other two. i know that doesn't sound so bad, unemployed for a month, third interview... well, we'll see. i want to find something that i want to do, something that makes me happy, as well as pays the bills and allows for some extra savings. we had financial plans that were attainable, and i know it isn't my fault perse, but i totally feel like i screwed it up. i wish we wouldn't have gone out of town those few times or bought that new pair of jeans while i was employed. we have lived this poor before, but we have no space in case something happens, and that scares the crap out of me. christmas scares me. i want to be able to get my kids something lovely, but i fear we won't be able to get them anything at all.

i am grateful for a few things though: the ability to spend time cooking. really cooking and making good food. for a few weeks the kids and i were eating food that was fresh, never from a box, and completely from scratch. now that marc is home for a stretch i think i need to get back into it, and not fall into the same old habits. and the best part, is being there for the kids. mr. f has been going through a lot of stuff this year, and i think that me being home has helped a lot. i hate the we had to put him on drugs, but they have helped. and mr. d loves being with me all of the time. i have never had this chance to do this, and i want them to remember their stay at home mom time not of me in tears, but us having fun. so, every day i try to plan something that gets us out of the house.