digging through it

i am unemployed. i have been for almost a month and i am to collect my first check tomorrow.

so far unemployment has been a lonely, lonely life. marc was gone for the first three weeks, home on the weekend, trying to get it together, and then he would fly off for the next place. i don't mind it when he is gone. the kids and i get into a groove, but now that i am unemployed i do get more lonely than i ever thought possible. some days, if someone picks or drops off mr. f from school, i don't even leave the house. i have become the person you don't want to run into on the street, dying for a chat.

i have also found i am a terrible housekeeper, although mostly it is better than usual. i am trying to pick a corner, sort, purge, etc. but that is not enough. i worry constantly, and some days all i do is cry.

i have my third interview tomorrow, waiting to here back on the other two. i know that doesn't sound so bad, unemployed for a month, third interview... well, we'll see. i want to find something that i want to do, something that makes me happy, as well as pays the bills and allows for some extra savings. we had financial plans that were attainable, and i know it isn't my fault perse, but i totally feel like i screwed it up. i wish we wouldn't have gone out of town those few times or bought that new pair of jeans while i was employed. we have lived this poor before, but we have no space in case something happens, and that scares the crap out of me. christmas scares me. i want to be able to get my kids something lovely, but i fear we won't be able to get them anything at all.

i am grateful for a few things though: the ability to spend time cooking. really cooking and making good food. for a few weeks the kids and i were eating food that was fresh, never from a box, and completely from scratch. now that marc is home for a stretch i think i need to get back into it, and not fall into the same old habits. and the best part, is being there for the kids. mr. f has been going through a lot of stuff this year, and i think that me being home has helped a lot. i hate the we had to put him on drugs, but they have helped. and mr. d loves being with me all of the time. i have never had this chance to do this, and i want them to remember their stay at home mom time not of me in tears, but us having fun. so, every day i try to plan something that gets us out of the house.