staying home

i am in the midst of a home vacation right now. i took a few days off to visit friends, interview and just hang out and clean house. my house is pretty clean right now, and it is great how i have the time to clean a mess as it happens. what a crazy feeling.

spending time with the kids has been so wonderful. it has allowed me to be around so master f can have a friend or two come over and play and it makes it so i can actually feed them a meal or two at home. cooking a home meal, even lunch makes me so happy.

so, with my separation anxieties i already have with the dman, this home vacation is bringing up even more split emotions about my life. i have been working so hard the past few years at a job i seriously thought would boost my career, but it has sucked up my home life. there has been no balance. i find myself not seeing my kids for a few days because i work so hard, and then i still can't pay the bills because the pay is so ridiculously bad. what am i doing?? and then i know, i would love to be able to work just a bit so i can stay home more. nothing makes me so happy as being with the kids, having kids over, playing with them and planning activities. dman is getting older, and i feel i have missed his whole entire two years of life. wtf. is life supposed to be like this, one of the reasons you have kids is to spend time with them.

so tomorrow i have a potential job offer at another position similar to the one i have right now but in the private sector. of course the money is better, the job has less responsibility, and the people i would work with are awesome. of course this sounds great, but would i be taking a step back in my career? i am seriously overqualified, but spending time with my kids at night and having a balance is so important. i don't want to miss another school performance or a fun afternoon at school because i am so overworked that i have to work harder to prepare for a day off. this year has really sucked a lot and marc has had to take on a lot of the slack, which wasn't really fair when i got jealous.

but really, i want to be independently wealthy and never leave my kids unless i want too. that is the real dream right now.